I’m still on my hiatus but I’ve had some time offline to think about what I’m going to say here and now. After many, many months of beating around the bush, knowing I would have to do this eventually since I've left a substantial digital footprint and permanent mental scars for the people I’ve wronged. It’s finally the time that I step up and apologize. I don’t ask for forgiveness or for those to forget what I’ve done, as my past actions were very inexcusable and downright repulsive and I’d like to sincerely apologize and address everyone that I am aware of that I have wronged and affected, feel free to correct me if I am missing anyone, especially if it includes yourself.

TW:// NSFW, disturbing and sensitive content

Here’s everything you need to know if you’re out of the loop about me:

https://www.tumblr.com/snowmuqqin/746047251107954688/finale-statementwhats-been-going-on-behind-the?source=share

I am taking full accountability for my past, I will not be silencing anyone to save my own skin cause I can’t run away from my past forever and continue to leave things unwritten and unanswered. I’ve sat down for a while and realized…this isn’t about me and I shouldn’t make this all about me because I'm not a victim, I was a toxic abuser. Avoiding this publicly for all this time when there's been a few callouts going around about me for a few months had only made things worse, keeping a lot of people in the dark. Sometimes it’s not what you say that matters, but what you don’t say.

Yolk, What I did to you was wrong, I exposed you to NSFW content as a minor when I was 22 and I had the gull to tell you not to "overshare" I didn’t take in count your feelings when I said that to you. As a friend, trust and security in each other is a big part of a bond like we once had and I completely tarnished it. Through all of this coming out publicly, I never had any ill will towards you, you’ve always been so kind to me despite everything. I’m devastated to have lost such a kindhearted soul due to my selfishness and lack of awareness. When we first met, you helped me end and get through a toxic friendship and I constantly traumadumped on you when you were dealing with more than you could handle already in your personal life at the time. After a long while, I was getting comfortable with you to the point where I got careless and absentmindedly shared very suggestive memes with you. When you started drawing NSFW art, you offered to draw some NSFW art for me and in a moment of complete idiocy, I accepted it when I should have refused. I feel horrendously disgusted at myself for "normalizing" it to be okay with drawing and sharing NSFW as a minor and I even used the shitty "Oh, I drew NSFW as a teen so that means it doesn't matter if you do too" excuse. Big fucking yikes, I know...Yolk, I never saw you in a sexual manner or had any malicious sexual intent towards you. I hope you're doing better.

SpecJects, I was a damned fool and overreacted about you sharing a callout post on me, I was trying to save my ass since you are one of the biggest OSC creators on DA after all. Now, you have my honest respect due to wanting to be better safe than sorry to protect the object show community, which is mostly minors from a potential threat to them, and I would have done the same if I was in your shoes if I had a large platform as do you. Please continue to be on the lookout for bad actors in the object show community. I’m sorry for how I acted out.

ProgramLara, I haven’t had much interaction with you but I’m going to be honest and say I judged you very harshly from the beginning when I saw an abundance of callout posts on others on your page and out of my anger I told my ex in DM’s that you were a “drama whore” and they told you what I had said. When I said that, I was not aware that you were 16. That basically means that I’m an adult that's almost 30 having beef with a teenager and that's very pathetic and immature for someone my age and I want to apologize for that. You were right when you said I have a lot of growing up to do and I need to spend a lot less time on the internet. I'm working on it.

Tamanooki/Snowmuqqin/Zee, you were right about me being selfish throughout our whole relationship. I did only think about myself a lot of the time and it took me quite some time to come to terms with this after reflecting on it and realizing what I did wasn’t normal or healthy. I slept a lot, I was lazy and neglected you and had a bad habit of putting Paintbrush on a higher pedestal than you from time to time. I appreciate you being there and putting up with my bullshit during the PaintysBabe Twitter drama and everything else onwards until it came crashing down into a million pieces. You’d try to steer me in the right direction, and I’d sometimes not take your advice and go off the rails and I can see why you had compared me to Chris Chan and called me r-tarded out of your frustration as a result of me refusing to listen to you wanting to protect me from being a bigger lolcow than what I already was at the time, I know what you said was awful but it was really an eye opener to me since then and I want you to know that your effort didn’t go unheard and I hope to redeem myself with my actions and not in the words here on this page. Also, I’ll be honest and say that smug DeviantART status WAS a stab at you and YOU ONLY and it wasn't towards Yolk at all but nonetheless, that was very immature and I will be deleting it if it already hasn’t been by the time I post this, that was petty of me to do. The post asking people not to interact with me if they associate with you will also be gone as well.

AkumaSpiders, I know I’ve already talked to you but I want to say this publicly as well. I’m sorry for going silent right after you informed me of Madison’s true age (17) and I had you assuming the worst and being worried for her safety. I know the two of you were not on the best terms, but I admire that you looked past your conflict to protect her from a potential predator, and that says a lot about who you are as a person, you’ve got a true pure heart of gold. I was under the assumption that Madison was an adult, her and I were dating at the time so hearing that she faked her age and put me into a false sense of security after we had quite a few intimate moments already really hit me hard as I take trust and honesty very seriously in a relationship. I confronted her, she fessed up and we broke up but we remained good friends after she had apologized and I was willing to give her another chance. During stress, I tend to go quiet and I don’t blame you at all for assuming I didn’t do anything about the situation. After what happened with Madison, I've been much more careful about who I interact with and I always do a double check to make sure all my friends and close mutuals are adults now, and I keep interactions with people with no age on their page and minors very limited.

To the object show community on Twitter, I drew NSFW quite commonly back then and when Tumblr banned that kind of material on their site, I was forced to find an alternative so I turned to Twitter to post it without really knowing how the site worked, I was still very new getting into the Object Show Community and I thought marking my posts as “sensitive” in my Twitter settings would be enough to have my posts public on the site and it would filter it out for people who didn’t want to see it, I tagged a single object show NSFW art under the main tag thinking it would get filtered and boy, was I wrong cause that was definitely not how Twitter worked and I got flamed for it, badly. After my Paintbrush bodypillow post blew up to epic proportions and bodypillows were a meme for a while in the OSC due to my dumbassery, my ex Zee found me through that surprisingly and really wanted to help me get better both with my mental health and with my online side of things. We bonded as they helped me through it by telling me how to private my page and they were a lifesaver at the time cause it could have gotten much worse if they hadn’t told me and lectured me for being a dumb fool, so props to my ex for that really. Well, to those unfortunate who came across my nasty art on Twitter on accident before I deleted the tagged art and privated my account, I’m sorry. I addressed this a long while back, but I was accused of being the person that brought a Paintbrush bodypillow to the II+BFDI Meetup (I think last year?). That was not me, I was not able to go. Many people had confused me again with that person as of late and I figured I’d bring that up to add on to this already long, needed post.

In conclusion, I’ve been trying to work on myself these last few months. I’ve been keeping my friend circle small, adults only FOR SURE this time. I’ve been going out more publicly and going to therapy so I can learn to socialize better. I'm planning on joining a friends app so I can meet people locally, and I'm looking into joining a local drawing/painting club as well. I’ve been put on a much higher dose of medication which includes my antipsychotics, anti anxiety and antidepressants for a whole slew of mental issues. When it comes to my obsession with Paintbrush, I have dialed it back a few notches in my real life. For people not aware, as I don't like bringing it up due to the stigma around it, I have schizoaffective disorder, which explains (but does not excuse) the odd things I do and say. My life-size wooden cutout of Paintbrush, the many pictures I had of them, and the bodypillow are all out of sight to help limit my delusions of them. I’m working on slowly limiting how often I draw them as well to help me out of the obsession more little by little.

When or if I even come back online, I'll be less careless and selfish than I have been previously. I want to be a new, redeemed person in the near future that's 100% accountable for my own actions, no longer evading, shifting the blame or denying it like I wrongly have been for so long. Again, I don't ask for forgiveness, I just hope to bring genuine honesty and hopefully some kind of closure to those affected by my past actions.

I have been working on this writing for many days now, I've been planning on making this post for months. If there's anything else problematic I've done that needs to be addressed after this is posted, let me know.